Reprieve

Today was one of those days.  One of those rare days of being ok.  I woke up on time with a full nights sleep.  Outside, the sun was shining, the temperature perfect.  I got to work, got the shop opened and had a busy day.  Even with unusually steady business, I was able to get most of the urgent things on my to do list done. 

BBD it would have been a normal, ordinary day.  A day I would have taken for granted and not thought twice about.  But its not BBD, its ABD.  Today was rare, precious and surreal.  There were moments in the day that I didn't feel like my insides were being ripped to shreds.  One moment in particular, I was waiting for a customer to check out and I realized that I almost felt normal, like before.  Those were my exact thoughts.  Then of course, the guilt and confusion follows.

How crazy is it that my world switches from blackest black to shades of gray with a little light and back again?  And if I don't hurt, did I not love?  These are the questions that bother me when things are ok.  When that precious numbness washes over me and the pain ebbs.

A regular customer who had not been in the store in a long time came in today.  He asked why we were closed in August.  I told him without breaking down, like I was telling him about what I had for breakfast.  I could hear myself telling the story but it seemed like somebody else was talking.  How weird is that?

I got home from work and my precious husband, Bill had a candlelight dinner waiting.  He seemed much better today.  For the first time this week, I could see he too had gotten a momentary reprieve today.  He is sleeping now and he looks so peaceful.  I pray that in the mornings light, he will hold on to a bit of the peace that today brought. 

I know its not over.  We have had this happen before.  These times give us time to heal to regain our strength for what comes next.  What comes next is never good.  I sound so negative.  I am not a pessimist.  I am realist.  A realist who is very grateful for this one day.