Love and Shopping

Yesterday I was pulling up in my driveway after a long day.  I was tired, the kind of bone weary tired that has become so familiar.  I had been to the grocery store.  Let me tell you, retail therapy no longer works for me.  Shopping has become a time of high anxiety and maddening confusion.  The lights, the people all cause me to fall down a rabbit hole into a world that depicts a microcosm of life speeding along without me while I am barely moving.  Shopping is the epitome of the feeling that the world continues on while I stand still. I get so confused and so lost so fast.  I wander aimlessly, try to follow my list and end up leaving most times with half the things I needed and a bunch of things I didn't.

I remember the first time I went to a large store ABD.  It was to find something to wear to Billy's service and to pick up a few incidentals.  I remember breaking down, watching all the people, the families with children, the young adults about Billy's age going about their lives.  It was the first time I realized I see Billy everywhere.  I remember wondering if anyone there was like me, broken, damaged, missing a child they would never see again.  I was so embarrassed for breaking down, but nobody seemed to notice.

Yesterday when I got home, I pulled into the driveway and thought, "I wonder if Billy is home, to help me withe groceries.  And at that moment my headlights flashed across the memorial garden where the flowers from Billy's service are planted, the exact spot he took his last breath.  And I remembered....There have been a few times I have done that.  Something is broken in my head.  I don't know if it will be right again.  I don't think so.

But this how much my son loves me.  I pulled myself together, wiped my eyes and took a deep breath.  I brought the first batch of groceries inside, loved on the puppies for a minute, and started back out the door to get some more groceries.  At that moment Billy sent an Angel.

One of his previous roommates and best friends drove up.  Dav was like a second mom to him.  She is a wonderful lady with a great smile and a big heart.  To be honest, there was a time I was a little jealous of Dav for no good reason I will admit.  and I really, really wish to get to know her better now.  I think Billy would like that too. 

Dav came by to give me a hug and share a story about a Billy visit.  She came at a time when I really needed it.  She was without a doubt an Angel sent by my son.

So thank you Billy for the gift you gave me.  And thank you for reminding me to let people in, to love and to accept love.  You are awesome!