I have never blogged before. I don't know what I am doing but it has been suggested that I write down the things that are killing me so that they don't. So here we are.
Five months ago my generous, warm hearted, funny, smart, beautiful stepson Billy died by suicide. He was 26. Billy loved people and hated sadness. He had a way about him that brought happiness to a room whenever he entered. Most days, sometimes.
Billy struggled with addiction and depression. We tried everything we knew to help him and we failed him. Billy was probably his worse critic. and I think in the end, he didn't know how else to stop the pain.
There are so many things I wish I had done or said. So many things I wish I hadn't. I was always the bad cop. But it was because I wanted so much more for him. I wanted him to have the beautiful life he deserved. I always, always tried to make it clear that it was the using, not him that was the issue. I don't know now if I was clear enough. I don't know a lot of things.
Our lives now are split into new time references. BBD (before Billy died) and ABD(after Billy died). BBD I thought I knew a lot of things. Now I realize how clueless I really am. And certainly I do not know how to help another human being. That is a sad thing to realize.
Tonight was a bad night for me. Some postings on Facebook, totally not directed at me triggered a response that set the dominoes in motion. So now I sit here having been up all night crying knowing I have to work in a few hours. My husband thankfully has been sleeping.
My mind has been shattered into a million pieces. Everything that I thought or believed has been challenged. I live in a sort of hell and I don't know if I will ever find my way out. But I think that it has something to do with the process of picking up those millions of pieces of my mind and figuring out what I can still use, what must be modified and what must be discarded.
I think maybe that is what this blog is for. Processing losing Billy and climbing out of this abyss. Because I do believe that to some extent he suffers when we suffer and I don't want that beautiful soul to suffer any more.
Billy, I hear you. I see your signs. They are everywhere. Please help me find the words to find a way out of this place. I love you!
so glad you found this way to get these feelings out baby.i love you so much.i wish i had something to say that could hhelp but like you said i also realized i dont know shit-all i can offer is i will cont to be here with you,holding you when you need it.i may be able to help sometimes & sometimes i may be so fucked up myself you may need to hold me.when we are both in bad shape we can lean on each other.this is the worst thing i have ever went through but i do thank god that you are here to help me thru it.i know i couldnt do it alone.i love you sooo much.together i think we can muster the strength to take that next breathe.we can figure out what comes after that together.love you baby
ReplyDeleteThere is a website griefnet,org that has a section just for the loss of an adult child. There are so many of us who have lost our adult children (I lost my only child, Philip, in October). I have gotten a great comfort from reading postings by others in my situation and letting myself go, letting it all hang out. Griefnet.org is completely anonymous, postings are done through a central email address. Maybe you and Bill can find some comfort there. Absolutely no one can understand what we are going through except someoone who has lost their adult child. Good luck and maybe I will read your post on Griefnet.org.
ReplyDeleteHello Billy's Mom,
ReplyDeleteI am a victim of losing a child to suicide also. My daughter passed in 2005 at a young age of 21. To this day I am still fighting the pain of losing her. Her leaving me like this don't seem fair to her dying so young as well as me not being able to have her in my life. There are so many things in everyday life that feels this way. However, losing ones child is a whole different senario. Mine whole situation with my realationship with my daughter was me not being able to set matters straight with my daughter. I lost out on a lot of time with my daughter, first with a family breakup to me taking the wrong road with drugs. My time with my daughter was only ocassionally. Drugs led to me running from the law to eventually cleaning up and turning myself in. Idid my time and all I wanted was to make ammends to her. Deanna always welcomed me anytime inspite of my foul actions. I called her to find out she had passed two weeks prior. I was not even notified by anyone about her death. I buckled up to my knee's all craped up in disbelief. Ever since, I have kept her in my life every single day. The main thing that helps me is being able to talk about her every day, even if it's about how she left. Some people may find it as a touchy subject asking me questions about her. However, I always welcome anyone with a converstion about my daughter. My daughter Deanna Duran also has a memorial that I manage along with other family memorials. Her memorial has a Bio put together about her life along with photos. Other members also visit her memorial giving her tokens and leaving notes in memory of her daily. I also built a sight for her on facebook. Just being a part of keeping her memory alive keeps me happy. Sure, you will never get over the pain of losing our dear Billy. But what helps me is makingg sure I keep my Deanna in my life everyday making sure she is never forgotten by anybody. I take the time everyday to honor her memorial and flower it. I also go to her grave and make sure it is cleaned and even take a nap there next to her all the time. And if you want to cry for him. Don't ever let no one stop you. Crying is a good thing. Its a relief and in reality it feels good. because we know its has love connected to it. In addition, I also lost my brother to suicide one year earlier. The sight that I go on is robertduranfindagrave.com. You will get my page and if you become a member there is a lot nice people that yo will meet who are going through the same thing as us. You will have a lots of support. Take care my friend. You are special....~
You have gone thru so much these few months. I hope you know that everyone who knows you, has your back. I hope you know that we say prayers for your son & you two at our quarter ritual every week. I hope you know there is always someone to call.
ReplyDeleteWe love you! Keep putting one foot in front of the other!