Exhaustion

Yesterday I cleaned my house.  Now that seems simple enough, right?  Its a small house.  It took everything I had.  My bones ached after.  I just can't get used to the fatigue that this grief brings.  It is a monster that hangs on to my coat tails and drags on my days and some of my nights.

I try to sleep, but the nightmares come.  Last night I dreamed I was stabbed.  A crowd gathered round.  I was screaming for someone to call 911.  I told the people my husband just lost his only child, he couldn't lose me too, that he needed me.  But no one called and just as everything faded to black, I woke sweating and shaking to my core.  The dreams are never the same but they all involve being forced to watch a death.  Last night it happened to be my own.

At about 6 am I got a second wind.  I found some fight deep inside me.  and I made myself get up and walk the dog.  Angie is Billy's dog.  She was here when he died, she knows.  He always took her for walks, play dates in the park, rides to the river bank to chase squirrels.  She was his world and he was hers.  Nowdays she doesn't get the exercise that she should and she was so happy she pranced her way out the door and across the yard.  She is a black lab mix, she needs to run.  and so we ran.  I didn't mean too, it just happened and for a minute it elevated my mood to almost normal and I forgot I was tired or sad.  I could feel Billy laughing, running beside us.

That second wind carried me a few hours.  I opened the shop and fought my way through paperwork I had been putting off.  That felt good too.  and then I crashed.  I coudn't find things in front of my face, the lunch I had been so hungry for an hour before lay like a rock in my stomach and the saddness enveloped me once again.  For every task I completed I could suddenly see 10 more that were undone.  and the exhaustion was palpable. 

The property manager from the complex our shop is in came in at that time to ask me to take care of some exterior clean up that needed to be done.  It was a perfectly reasonable request.  Something we used to do all the time.  One of the many things we have let slide.  I was embarrassed, ashamed we had let it go.  Bill had gone to run an errand, pale faced and shaking like he always is when a migraine is getting too bad.  I told him bill wasn't well but we would take care of it tomorrow and we will.  I didn't have it in me to do it right then.  It is a small 10 minute task that involves stacking some chairs and I can't even do that.

What is wrong with me?  What the HELL is the matter with me?  That I can't handle the things that used to come so easy?  What is going to happen if I let all the things I used to juggle drop while I am trying to find the strength to stand?  I know I should ask for help, but its embarrassing.  People have their own lives, their own struggles.  I feel like I have already been helped more than I deserve.

I have only slept six of the last 48 hours, I am so very tired, I need to sleep. And so tonight I pray for dreamless sleep so I can accomplish more tomorrow.  Billy...why can't I feel you tonight?