Dammit Man

As I sit here trying to organize my thoughts on what needs to get done today I can feel Billy gently prodding me.  Feel it in my soul.

Billy had undertones of sarcasm in his sense of humor.  Procrastination runs in our family and evidently its contagious by marriage too.  I remember complaining out loud to myself many times about getting the motivation for one task or another and Billy would usually have a retort ready.

In my minds eye I can see him saying "dammit man, its about time you did something around here.  Could you pick up that (insert closest small object to him that he with grand gesture would knock on the floor)  After which he would sigh loudly and settle back further in the chair he always sat in and smile that beautiful smile.  His humor was like that.  I miss it.

He wasn't mean.  I don't think there was malice in any part of his being.  Just a master of sarcasm and never serious in his antics.  Most days he would help with anything that you asked him.  In his time, but he would help.

and that is one of the things that I think about. I was not patient enough, not even close.  He would always put things off until the last possible moment.  I don't know why it mattered so much to me when he did something.  Why couldn't I just be grateful for him, for his presence, for his help?  It bothers me so much now.  He was perfectly, uniquely Billy.  Why couldn't I appreciate that?

There are many, many things I have put off for the past 5 months.  Many things I have to get done.  and I need his voice now, prodding me...telling me to get off my arse and do something.  but Dammit man, its hard.  Every day I think this is going to be the day.  and every night I tell myself tomorrow...it will happen tomorrow.

And that is one of those first shards of my being that I must pick up.  I must find a way to begin taking care of life again.  I must figure out which things are important and which are not.  I must find a beginning place.  So many things that were important BBD, just aren't now.  But some are and I have to find a new filter, a new way to organize those things.  Things like paying the bills, taking care of my businesses paperwork, cleaning the house, taking a shower.......you know lots of stuff.    Its all jumbled still in my mind.  Its all overwhelming so I end up back on this couch time after time.  I must find a way out.

I need to do it for me and for Bill and for Billy.  The only thing I have left that I can do for Billy is take care of his dad.  And every day that I don't take care of the things that have to be taken care of is a day that I fail miserably at that one thing, taking care of Bill.  Every day I fail, I dislike myself even more.

I have been here before.  Immobilized by depression, drowning in inertia.  Years ago.  It cost me everything.  Today, I hear the train whistle, I know its coming but I can't move from the tracks.  I am terrified.

But maybe today will be the day..maybe.  Dammit man!