Losing Bill

My husband, Bill is the most honest, kind, compassionate man that I know. He has a self effacing affability about him that is both disarming and refreshing.  He has a gentle soul, a quick wit and eyes that light up my world.  Those eyes are losing their light.  In losing Billy, I am also losing Bill.

We both have had horrible, soul wrecking dark days since Billy passed.  There have been days we couldn't crawl out of bed, days when we took turns picking each other up off the floor.  But there have been waves of numbness that have saved us from insanity.  Those waves are ebbing now and what is left is raw, and ugly.  And Bill, my friend, my soulmate, the one person I respect more than any other on this earth is disappearing before my eyes.  I don't know how to help.

At first I thought that it was just a bad day for him.  We both have them.  But one bad day has turned to another and another.  He has lost the will to keep going.  He is here by a sheer sense of duty not to hurt the ones he loves by leaving.  I know what he wants more than anything is to go to Billy.  It breaks my heart.

When Bill and I first met I was broken, closed off from the world and suspicious of everyone.  I lived in a world of acquaintances because with only a few exceptions I would not let anyone close. Too many bad choices, too many broken hearts left me isolated by choice from the world.  Bill never accepted my reality.  He grabbed my heart and soul and broke through those walls.  He was and is and forever will be my hero.  He saved me.

And now, I don't know how to save him.  I get where he is at, I go there too for short periods.  But Billy was Bill's only son.  All of the things I think to say sound so trite.  How can I tell him that things will get better?  I don't know that.  Tell him he needs to live for me and my two girls?  As much as he loves us, I feel that diminishes his connection with his boy.  I could tell him I need him, and I do, but is that selfish of me?  I don't know.  I don't know how to save this beautiful man who sleeps in the next room.  I wish to God I did.

All I can do is refuse to give up on him just like he refused to give up on me all those years ago.  I can tell him I love him.  I can keep fighting to survive for both of us until God willing he is one day strong enough to stand.  I don't know what else to do, but I do know I won't give up.  I won't give up on living life, I won't give up on loving Bill and I won't give up on honoring Billy.